guys don't fucking realize that the only place girl like their faces jizzed on is in PORN, and that "squirting" is piss. JUST FUCKING PISS.
Haha, bad night?
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
At victory brunch. Have a decent story. Im now eskimo brother with the duke mens basketball teams from 2002 to 2008 and obamas right hand man
I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.
I just caught myself watching and Irish step dance documentary in my underwear drinking nyquil through a straw at 2 in the afternoon. today's off to a good start.
nothing says "functioning mature adult" like sneaking beer out of your mom's fridge in a lunchbox
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Handcuffs are allowed in carry on luggage :) just checked
That moment during finals day when you either convince your teacher to let you out of the room or you shit you pants.
I woke up with your vibrator in my face
he went down on me while I ate Oreos. I don't know what caused the orgasm.
Lynn just told me "I heard about your divorce. Condoms or morning pill your choice and I'm buying". Sorry but I got plans now bro.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
Randomize
