she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.
I want the one making out with the dumpster. Is that bad?
I'm going to try to be reasonable tonight and keep my drink count out of double digits
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
I can't feel my clothes. I'm convinced I'm naked
Also I've decided that I'm buying the next friend of mine who is dumb enough to get married a live porcupine as a wedding present.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He's like a unicorn and I just wanna domesticate him
Happy birthday and sorry I punched your friend in the face
If my emotions are below a 3 or above a 7, I'm crying
He started praying immediately after we hooked up, condom on and everything.
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
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