T-minus about 54 seconds until I am too high to speak English.
I'm jealous
My throat feels like a candle.
we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had
I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.
Dude you have to stop using "I eat good pussy" as a pick up line
Just saw the first guy I gave head to lose in the french open...some how I feel better that my mistake made it to the same mistake as our relationship, the third round. Don't judge.
He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
WAKE THE EFF UP THE UBER DRIVER IS TRYING TO TAKE ME HOME
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
You know your Halloween costume is slutty when you have to shave your pubes to wear it.
Tonight was a total waste of a shaved vagina
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
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