I love being friends with rich people. I get laid by association.
everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.
he is a creepy guy.
yea thats what heroine does to ppl.
it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate
I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere
Let me begin my 3 part apology by saying that you are a wonderful human being...
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
I wouldn't have puked last night if I didn't inhale straight pepper from you shattering the pepper shaker on the wall.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
I didn't get a chance to take any pics but the mental snapshot of her boyfriend calling her directly after we finished was a really special moment I wish I could properly share with you.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Apparently at some point last night someone gave me tequila. There was a few shots left when I woke up so that was breakfast. This is a good birthday
I feel like one thing if I have going for me is that my bed looks like a nice place to have sex
My niece I'm babysitting left earlier to stay the night with her friend. I got ditched by an 8 year old.
Randomize
