those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!
...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...
Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.
I told him that he could only go home with me if he didn't talk or tell me his name
Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.
Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.
A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
Yea I saw a friend of yours carrying your limp body somewhere
So apparently using the emergency exit of the bar as a bathroom is frowned upon in this establishment...
That is romantic
Well sometimes you just gotta put your dicks and pizzas together to show you care
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Our nipples touched last night. It was tender.
He somehow obtained a megaphone and managed to scare away the out-of-control house party—the house party that HE started, by the way— by pretending to be the police.
He literally asked permission to hit on me
Randomize
