you should just get pregnant. that way you don't need to decide on a career.
I just caught Brandon licking the fake chocolate on a smores ornament
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
You missed a lot. I drank contact solution thinking it was water, vodka thinking it was water and some unidentified substance that reminded me of pine sol thinking it was water..
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them
Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.
she gave me head while wearing a sombrero and told me it was her "welcome to south of the border" blowjob. i am never leaving mexico.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Uhh... I think I meant "Be proud, I'm taking shots before my public speaking test." "Coffee and vodka is not good" and "Also, I'm giving blood drunk."
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
No sex in the champagne room. The champagne room being my life
My walk of shame was four miles long and I had to stop for a water break. I am the picture of class.
You are talking to me during sexting hours. Be careful, innuendos are taken seriously
I’m going to fail his daughter so she stays in my class and I can keep fucking him. BEST. ORGASMS. EVER.
Then you can teach the kid to be a home wrecker
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