i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...
oh i have no idea about his personality. i imagine it's the same as it was- except now combined with a receding hairline and a beer gut
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.
You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
I guess I just stopped wanting to rip his balls out and started being okay with him being alive. that's a typical feeling for exes right?
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
My ex's new gf is pregnant and he is sterile, so 2016 is starting off well.
how do you politely tell someone their toddler looks alarmingly similar to the berries and cream guy
I'm high. I apologize for that last sentence
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
I’m going to hump him until his teeth hurt and then I’m going to have my way with him
Randomize
