Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?
not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
so I was at the house for 3min to grab my bathing suit & tequila. You know, the go-to weekend combination
Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.
I feel like we had some profound moment last night, but I can't really recall much past your ass turning up the volume on the radio.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Btw there's a hedgehog in my room. Don't get it high
FINALLY GOT MY TENTH DICK. PARTY FOREVER
Driving, getting head and talking to your boss on the phone is not a good combination. I nearly died
What am I thankful for..I figured out I can drink on antibiotics without getting sick thanks to the power of pot gummies
On a scale of having tea with Ghandi to the apocalypse how bad of an idea is it to drink with a 100 degree fever?
Randomize
