I'm just that much of a man that I can watch Ellen and Oprah back to back and still like girls.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.
I just showered sitting down with a sippy cup of water in there with me. It took 40 minutes. That hungover.
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
You think you know everything because you're wearing a sweater
Your fuck buddy is making you watch the OC. I think that counts as strings attached.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
The guy at the rodeo just told me "if ya don't say none, ya don't get none". What the hell does that mean?
Im pretty sure you just got hit on by a gay cowboy.....
Sometimes having a penis is like having a really stupid drunk best friend. You see it doing dumb shit but you're just not the one in charge.
honestly the most stressful part of moving is the chance my mom will find my vibrator
If I die tonight somebody's going to have to let all my tinder matches know.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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