just woke up and my boobs have "fun police" written on them
I tried to pay my bar tab with my gym membership card. Twice.
As long as they suck a good dick I don't care what fruit they have and where they have it
I finally had sex with him last night, but we used a condom so it doesn't add to my number of sexual partners.
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
i woke up naked with 27 half ripped $ bills in my bed from ripping them off the wall of the bar
is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?
My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
How is there no taco emoji?! That's some bullshit.
We are 100% horrible people, and im extremely happy we are friends
Tequila Tuesday.. tonight is the night I defeat the liquor.
I have class at 8:30 and I am not bailing you out of the drunk tank again.
If its not for food we ain't going out.
I just found a nug casually in my room under my duffel bag. Is this a sign I need help?
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