I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.
I don't want you to recite the pledge!
Pledge alligien to america to united states of america
a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you
You know its bad when you can over hear the planned parenthood nurses talking shit behind your back... they've seen everything
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.
You had your shirt off checking IDs at the door and you don't even work there
We started pregaming at 8. It's 11, and her only 11:11 wish is to be sober. It's hard to not love her.
I'm not entirely sure that the guy that just texted me is not on drugs right now. I'm also not entirely sure that he isn't about to be incarcerated.
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I need you to ship me a penis cookie care package.
I just turned down an invite to sit on a face. IDK who I am.
What? Are you sick?
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
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