fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
He had a tramp stamp of his own phone number. You can't tell me that isn't smart.
Chilling on my porch debating between pre work drinking or video games and getting high.
The cleaning lady has moved my vibrator twice now so I would say I'm pretty ready to move out.
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
In case you were wondering how drunk I was last night, there was an unopened slim Jim in front of my door and I ate it.
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
jump out the window naked night went bad
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