I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind
we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
In all seriousness...vodka, almond milk and chocolate syrup make a decent white russian.
True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.
The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I agreed not to hook up with any randoms while she's on vacation, if that isn't a show of good faith then I don't know what is...
Planning a foam party. Swimsuits are mandatory, and please no granny suits. If you wear a granny suit I will stick you in the corner and put a cone hat on your head.
Ive fucked up. im like a feral dog rabidly chasing an infrequent dream amidst a cataclysm of disaster
Good night I hope you dream about knitting and threesomes
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
i ran into the Jo the housecleaner earlier this morning. i mentioned i had a little hangover and she asked what the occasion was.. i replied "Tuesday" without thinking. she judged the shit out of me.
the weird part wasn't waking up in someone else's underwear, it was how the cat was staring at me like he knew more about last night then i remembered.
Randomize