Its not drinking alone if you got Tiger on the Wii.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"
Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?
Apparently we both projectiled on Erin at the same time.
That's some true roommate bonding right there.
Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
Can I borrow you for, like, thirty minutes so you can lay on one boob and rub the other until I fall asleep?
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
If she "comes out" to me I guess I'll high five her. That's pretty much my response to everything these days.
He's only giving you free adderall so you can focus on his dick.
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
