i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again
i just rememebered i spent like 5 minutes on the ground warming some chicks toes.
I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Got super judged by this lady at the Rolling Stones concert last night. Bitch don't look so salty at my dad and I splitting two joints, an edible, and two margaritas. It's the stones.
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Also I can show up hungover, fall asleep at my desk, and smell like a bottle of whiskey, and they still like me more then my shitty co worker
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
If you don't come home and fuck me soon I'm walking over there naked and dragging you home by your penis
he rolled over in the morning and told me happy valentines day. i don't even know his first name.
I love you, but seriously, that was way too long a thesis on an Arby’s curly fry being wrapped around schlong!
I am going as Rudolph for the Christmas Eve furry orgie.
Is Santa taking the sleigh of slutty reindeer around the neighborhood again this year.
Yes. Several neighbors have requested it.
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