ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
i dont remember who you are as you are in my phone as "mr. peanut."
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
broke the door off of my fridge tryin to have a indoor rodeo
I feel like I have African malaria. I just remembered singing Teenage Dream in full to that biker couple at the bar.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
since when did our medecine drawer and our sex drawer become the same drawer? we now have lube covered cough drops.
Guess who has two thumbs and just fell outta his car and almost peed himself
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
apparently putting your t-shirt on your head with a bottle of captain and telling girls your the pirate king of tallahassee doesn't work
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
I was looking at our sex bingo and pretty much every single row or column has at least one kind of person that is harder to find than all the rest
We've made things harder for ourselves
The struggle will be part of the fun
They tricked me into going into that room by saying we'd smoke a bowl and then they all proceeded to have an intervention with me about my love life.
Banged a girl last night wearing nothing but my Team USA Olympic jersey. I think it's safe to say that nut was for America.
Randomize
