also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
Washing vom off hardwood, so much easier than carpet. Thank you adulthood!
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
It's always a good night until the penis tattoo makes an appearance
Bring the pizza ill bring the boundaries we can cross
So what kind of fun pills do we have for the amusement park tomorrow?
Oh my god and he smells like heaven wrapped in a beard of knowledge
So far I've taken two naps, went out and bought a pizza called the Hipster, and in 15 min I'm gonna make a snow angel. Conquering Snowlandia. How bout you?
He came in two seconds and stole my pizza so I'm not counting it.
He found his first fuckbuddy I'm so proud I feel like making him a card or something
I'm hungry, horney and thirsty. Pick two you want to help out with.(please pick horney)
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
Randomize
