imagine playing with puppies while we're drunk.
Like... we could film it and put like, "do you believe in magic" as the backround song and it would be complete joy.
i lost my phone in the process of getting a condom out of my hair
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.
i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.
You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...
That boy has a whole ocean of crazy lying just beneath the surface waiting to rise up, he's like the tar sands of crazy
i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
I know it was a good night because I got a lecture from my roommates mom about stranger danger
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
Mom wants to know if you're coming over or if it's safe for her to take her bra off...
Randomize
