Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
found an empty one..2nd door on the right...i'm already naked.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
please tell me why my pillow is wearing your thong...
...i wondered where i left that...
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
Life isn't about who you kiss, drunk, at midnight. It's who you text nonsense to, sober, from the toilet.
To be fair, I'm probably one of the better candidates for the role of 'baby daddy' in this town
I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.
You were peeing off the rooftop and told everyone sometimes you just gotta go
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
Joke’s on you. I got to talk to a furry about why nukes are bad and why musicals are good.
She asked me to tell her the three words every girl wants to hear so I whispered "I play hockey" in her ear.
Randomize
