I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
googling pictures of Lindsey Lohan so that I know what to wear to court is definitely a low point in my life
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
OMG CHARGE YOUR PHONE I NEED TO KNOW IF THIS IS A GOOD PICTURE OF MY ASS
pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
I wrote myself a letter, like I think drunk me wants to be pen pals or something
At least they play good movies in the waiting room of the pregnancy resource center.
I mentioned the porn thing he mentioned a brother it all kinda just came together
We can only continue to use the "oh what's the difference between circumcised and uncircumcised" for a few more months before people will see through our lies
I can't go to Fassler and not immediately think about you licking a guys wife's butthole in the family restroom
Julius Caesar had a huge penis
WTF are you reading?
Ha ha! No, the guy in the Caesar costume last night. We hooked up. His dick was huge
Cops swarmed my car last night in the walmart parking lot cause of the paper plate
Tbh I’m not a vibrator enthusiast
But I am godly
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