I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.
And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center
Sitting in the library studying = googling how to get laid in the library.
I'm sitting in front of a fan naked drinking Gatorade. Motherfucking hangover probs
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
My sister just showed me a snap chat that I don't remember sending, it was a picture of me with two big macs in my bra with just the words "BURGER TITS"
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
WTF DOES CAROLINE HAVE GLASS IN HER FACE
If only he'd realize the fondness I have for his genitals.
Let's make a rule now, to not smoke weed out of our trumpets. After tonight.
I can't really text bc it's too expensive but I thought youd like to know I just shit myself in a gift shop.
Randomize
