I'm pretty sure I'm almost gay. Like, I'd do it if I had no choice. Like, if i were in prison I'd try it.
Asking the cop for directions wearing a lion mask may not have been my best moment...
He busted his lip while trying to keep from passing out in the pool. The hotel people don't seem to be too concerned that we're passing around a bottle of SoCo at 11 am.
I just bid on a $9000 car because I think its my ex-girlfriends. Yes I wanna hit that again.
MASS TEXT! MASS TEXT! Your sad horny friend has finally gotten it in and can go back to being normal once again. You're welcome.
I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Please ask me to tell you about the time I watched two of my friends chase my drunk roommate with a broken foot around downtown
I peed my pants and am still dancing with guys at the club because I liked my outfit too much to change. Call the ratchet emergency
Why put me through the conflicting battle of being happy for your vagina but sad for my vagina for no reason ahole
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
You have more time for sex than anyone I know.
My diet has been 80% Fun Dip this week, soooo, no. Not good.
This guy wants me to put ice under his foreskin. What!?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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