There's a group of australian girls next to me. can't take them seriously. think they are going to turn into mr g
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
I would also like to inform you that I can no longer lay on my back because my tailbone is bruised from the nightstand. Good job.
I just peed behind the dumpster and dedicated it to you. Can i call u?
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Worrying about "What smells like cat pee?" is so much easier than worrying about "What am I doing with my life?"
Seriously, this apartment is covered in body glitter. This chick musta been a huuuuuge slut. How do you get it across every surface?
Do you have any forwarding contact info?
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
i think the people from taco bell are onto us. they had my order ready today at 3am BEFORE I even got there.
No one can touch me, I'm made of fruit.
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