I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.
And what brought this epiphany?
I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later
It's a lightpost hitting you in the head. Of course it's going to hurt the day after.
I am currently explaining what double penetration is to the bridesmaid I hooked up with at my cousin's wedding. This is my life.
I'm not sure if it was the 11 shots or your naturally vibrant personality but I recall you being quite noisy that evening
Yes but from my experience being high around your own baby makes you feel like the worst kind of mom
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
What did he say?
NOTHING. GODDAMN HIM AND HIS MAGICAL PENIS!
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Apparently mid making out I got up and said "I need to figure out my life" went in the bathroom and threw up for two hours.
He'd never survive you. Is there a boot camp for pre-heather training?
Let's take a shot for every time we've said "I don't want to get that drunk tonight"
Totally just got spotted hitting the bowl by someone else hitting a bowl. We gave each other a head nod
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