So I was throwing up in this fancy toilet at a party last night, when he decided it would be funny to flush it. It was a beday. I had to walk out with toilet water and regurgitated rumpleminze all over my face and shirt.
Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs
First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
She acts like a 3 year old but with fantastic tits. This girl is the reason women are objectified
Who ever is in the stall next to me is crying and it sounds like they're doing massive amounts of blow too. Finals for your ass huh.
I just had the stunning realization that I lost my virginity in a bunk bed.
So I just stole my deans keys to break into the dining hall to get coco puffs. I shouldn't have gone to this meeting stoned.
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
it's like that moment that you're driving and realize you're lost except instead of driving i'm just sitting here in my living room drunk, eating a plate of sausages, drinking red wine and just thinking "i'm going to be 28 this year. i know people who are married, with beautiful and well behaved children. where was the wrong turn?"
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Can we start referring to attractive men as "A fine piece of dick?"
Apparently his version of saying "I'm Sorry" is streaking around our apartment building then asking for a blow job.....
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