I just woke up and i'm wearing a cape and it says sup slut on my ass
My BOSS just pulled out a box of Christmas stuff labeled reefs.
I'm like a wolly mammoth down there. what do I tell him?
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
It's kind of hard to say bye to you when you fall asleep on the bar..
Why am I the only one golf clapping for the vomiting girl on the train who just fell of her seat into her own vomit
Not genetic. He's drunk and texted me a dick pic. Not genetic. Thank God!
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
Most of my life can be described like an HBO prison drama.
It's taking every bit of my restraint not to go to the store and buy chips and cake and like steal someone's dog. PMS is so weird.
Mischief managed.
YOU ARE NOT A MARAUDER, WHAT THE FUCK DID YOU DO NOW?
He's ready to settle down, whereas I'm like "More shots please"
What are you talking about? Keg stands at wedding are super classy.
I think there is cocaine on my toothbrush.
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