just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.
he kept telling me how much his girlfriend would love me while we were making. why does tequila always do this to me?
I wish there was an emoji to express our Eskimo Brothership
I should have bailed a long time ago. I mean, he has a bible verse-a-day app next to his dick pics in his phone.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I was drunk while I accepted my job offer. Here's to growing up.
Hey, I think I showed you a picture of my nephew while we were fucking last night. Sorry, I know it's weird, I just really love that kid. Again, sorry.
In my top drawer right now, there are see's chocolates, condoms, weed, and my vibrator. One way or another, this is going to be a good night
I want to have sex in my car again before I put the car seat back in
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Wait, how many people just saw my dick?
I think when your throwing up on the highway on the way to pick up your mom from the airport is a sign to slow down.
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