No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
Yes, it's true. 4 fingers.
Dear Mark, please dispose of your crusty mcdonalds napkins used to jerk it at my desk
discrete masterbation is a lost art
it's great music for shaving your balls
I can't find my underwear or one of my shoes but he baked me cookies for breakfast.
Just don't let me fall on anything that can be broken. Unless its a dick
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
I was gonna buy a KIA, but then I remembered how awesome the sex was in the back of a Hyundai so I went with that.
We drunkenly built a couch fort and fucked in it. I've known her since preschool. This was every childhood fantasy mixed with adult dreams come true.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
Get here now. There’s a guy dressed as Captain Morgan handing out miniature bottles of Captain Morgan.
So I figured out why that guy from Tinder stopped messaging me back. He got married.
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
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