It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.
i'm pretty sure they aren't charging me for that window i broke with a turkey sandwich while i was hammered.
You tried to convince me you were sober by doing jumping jacks. For an hour.
Sexual tension squid is drowning in the sexual tension
They left me passes out in the food donation bin with an empty handle and a half eaten box of nutter butters
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
I didn't have the heart to tell him that the reason my vagina was so "prelubricated" was because I had just had another gentleman caller an hour earlier. So, when he commented about how turned on I appeared, I just went with it.
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
You're the common denominator of my blackouts.
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
She may be more beautiful than I am, but I bet she hasnt pissed in as many public places as me...
I have got to stop telling people I was almost a prositute every time I drink
I'm basically cruising around listening to 90's gangsta rap with my meatball sub telling people to go fuck themselves
A fire alarm is going off in some building, people are running around naked and people are passed out in the MIDDLE of the sidewalk. If they ban parties again, I'm going to be pissed.
Randomize
