throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex
The poor thing was so drunk they wheeled his motorcycle into the bar. I just dropped him off to pick it up. The best walk of shame ever.
I dont even care how hung over I am, and how shitty this bus ride will be. That was the best sex of my life and it's a beautiful morning.
I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
the bandages come off on Tuesday. we can try out my new breasts then.
Because 9 pm Thursday you drink a loco cause you just wanna get drunk and have a good time with your friends. Then you wake up on Tuesday and you've had 17 locos and you're pregnant, lying on the side of the road, 3 states over. THAT'S why we don't have only locos parties.
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
Public service announcement: Just bc it is Margarita Monday does NOT mean your stomach will readily accept that much alcohol. There IS a reason it isn't called Magical Monday. On that note, better luck on Tequila Tuesday.
i love discovering the tokens of our drunkenness from the night before. it's like easter egg hunting. today: smashed pizza rolls in the sink.
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
Randomize
