I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
There was a lot going on. It was easy to miss a 70 foot tall puppet.
I just don't know what he sees in my vagina...and that scares me.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
he told me it was nice to see me not blacked out mumbling to myself in the front seat, I told him it was nice to see him not in handcuffs.
Yeah I just don't know how I feel about my fuck buddy coming to work at my dads office with me.
we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
Note to self: Never spend $8 on a liter of rum again
At one point I was convinced he was a snake and was going to eat me And I just accepted it
Write this down so you can tell me in the morning. "That bartender needs to be in my mouth."
Randomize
