we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
I'm thinking of writing "I have herpes" on my stomach in sharpie that way I'm not tempted to show my tits tonight
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career
GOING OUT OF BUSINESS: we're having a foreclosure party tonight...We'll also be raffling off a washer/dryer, microwave and a white tiger head.
It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.
They evidently had to pull his penis out of me while we were passed out on the floor.
i woke up the next morning in a pool of blood in my bathroom and a pinata donkeys head in my bed
so much for an anticlimactic 22nd birthday
The only alcohol in the house was a bottle of Sherry. It's like cough syrup that I shotgunned off Strawberry Shortcake's ass.
There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
Would you like to partake in getting high as fuck with your best friend and then proceeding to cry over the shit head guys we deal with?
when u match a guy bc he's from Oregon & he's trying to flirt, shut up i just want to talk about trees
Is it too early to start looking for freshmen penises to corrupt with our liquor and yoga pants?
I was just wondering the same thing! Gotta be any day now
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