I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
Sarah Palin just got hired for Fox News. Watch out Jersey Shore... there's a new drinking game in town
I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis
Just arrived at our party
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Yeah, last night in the parking lot was hot. I'm sure whoever has the surveillance tapes thinks so too.
You dropped my mother on the dance floor. She has a concussion. You didn't apologize. Don't speak to me for a while.
I'm pants less watching buffy the vampire slayer drinking rum. I'm not that hard to impress
Would it be weird to bake him a cake that says "sorry I peed on your bed"?
woke up to my little sister's best-friend's boyfriend in my bed, but how's your saturday going?
Some people are good at football, some people are good at painting, and he's good at being a fuckboy. Everyone has their talents.
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