At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."
The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.
Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.
i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
you haven't felt a hangover until you wake up after a night of snorting tequila.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
You hit on my mom and then passed out in the kiddie pool.
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
"Douchebag of the Year" award goes to the guy who didn't reply to the picture of my tits.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
he stopped talking to me, quit his job, moved out of the province and then told me it was "no big" when I called him apologizing...
I offered to give him "road head" while he played GTA 5. I think he will be more optimistic about date night in the future.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
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