just tell him he has love handles, he'll die of insecurity
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
winter break is gonna be like a weird mixture of rehab fat camp and holiday cheer.
I had a drunk dream I lived on a puppy farm. I hope this dream repeats every night of my life.
dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.
you were eating the carrots out of my guinea pig's cage and saying that you needed them more than they ever would.
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.
his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.
WHYAREWHITEGUYSSOBADINBED?! What the fuck went wrong, evolution?
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Either I'm too drunk or she gave me a hand job to the rhythm of jingle bells.
No joke, I just found $85 on the ground. Must be because I bought you all that liquor. So much good karma.
I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
