I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
im letting my talent of no gag reflex go to waste
You asked the officer if he could bring you to the same jail as T.I.
She's like the pied piper of lesbians.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
He was the only guy who ever made me cry..
Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?
I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.
Would it be appropriate to cancel a hookup to watch the golden globes?
absolutely. tina fey and amy poehler trump everything.
My synapses wont fire in a pattern that will process those facts
I just added Tubthumping to the playlist for tonight. This is going to make or break the party.
Too bad, iambic pentameter is a drunk specialty of mine.
Cocaine bath bombs are a really bad idea
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Randomize
