Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
I've been deciding between brands of bagels for 20 minutes. This why I doint smoke weed.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?
I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.
that would be two times in a week with two different guys.
they have the same name so it only counts as one guy right?
The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again
Man the liquor store just wrong numbered me, its a sign even god wants me to drink
I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.
Well when I got home you were sitting at the table eating cold, leftover taco meat. I'd say you were pretty far gone by that time.
EW HE JUST SNAPPED ME A NUDE BUT HE CENSORED HIS DICK BY COLORING IT I DID NOT ASK FOR THIS
And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you
You knocked on your freshman year room door, told the kids who opened it "I own you", and attempted to force-feed them everclear.
How much have you had to drink?
Qhaghao Oslo?
That seems like quite a lot.
I wish he’d realize all I want is dick. He’s my boytoy. He’s a stunt cock. \n\nCome over, fuck me silly, eat some leftovers, fuck me again, then go back to the frat house
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