I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Did you know the Dallas Cowboy cheerleaders have an exercise show ON Demand? Yeah, I had a lonely night
Just got walked in on during safety inspections
Think you passed?
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.
Wors thing about having a cop dad: random drug testing
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
I had sex with a mask on because I have the flu and I didn't want to get him sick.
Atleast we had sex on the couch before your ex took it from you
Just had a threesome for the second time in my life. I don;t even enjoy threesomes. Too much effort.
HOW DO THESE THINGS KEEP HAPPENING TO YOU?
Still drunk, heading to class.
It's 3 a.m. Dude
Doesn't mean I'm not at my desk. Ill wait.
The only food I have to eat is weed gummies and magic mushrooms... This is peak 34
He’s going to a lawnmower race. I got a Brazilian and he’s racing a lawnmower race. Pick me up. I’m not wasting this waxing on John Deer
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