Who said anything about talking that was a booty call
Saw a dead body on the way to the casino. I think that's a good sign.
can you come get me and bring me shorts and a shirt
maybe shoes and water too
oh and maybe a noose to hang myself
Wednesday. Otherwise known, to you at least, as "there are two gay men in my bed" day.
I really need to get laid. I'm telling at least 10 girls that I love them tonight.
Odds are at least 1 out of those 10 girls will be as crazy as you and will be into it.
Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak
I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.
I have to stop drunkenly making out with guys just because they're tall or have a beard.
My judgement was not "clouded". My judgement was in the midst of a fucking hurricane or something ridiculous.
Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun
I had to physically pry the rocks out of your hands so you wouldn't throw them at the guy with the cowboy hat. You probably would've missed anyways.
I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Randomize
