Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
haha i took a picture of myself naked on her camera
She didnt have a camera...
guy in front of me on the bus did 12 yrs, hes teling me about how to knife fight
Something in my vomit makes me think I shouldn't have had that slurpee
I don't know which is more embarrassing, the fact that I shat on the floor today or that I told you about it.
New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
Okay, just a casual question: how did i manage to get grass stains on the inside of my bra?
I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.
That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am
Hahaha. That's funny.
But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship
The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.
you also need to get my treadmill fixed.
We pretended the crowd cheering the Thunder's win was cheering for us while we had sex on the couch.
There are two things I love in this world. Dick and cats. Why can't I just have dick and cats forever
Making a mobile stripper pole for the back of my truck memorial weekend. Is where dignity goes to die
And I'm only telling you that because I really wanted to use 'my boyfriend' and 'dick biscuit' in the same sentence.
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
