And then you told your sister how horrible of a friend I was because I couldn't get you cheese fries...
when she said she would show you her other bow, she ment she wanted you to bend her over and see the tattoo on her lower back you idiot
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
when i woke up this morning i blew my nose and ash came out.. i'm not sure what to make of this.
I can't get a boner in the bathroom of a buffet.
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
Just saw a crackhead get taken down by pd in the canal. Its offically spring
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
Just realized ive been sitting through all of lab with a condom in my bra.
yay hump day
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
She's not a foreskin expert like you
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
Are you still passed out in my back seat, or do I need to come find you?
Randomize