She had hickeys... what's up with that?? HAHAHA
I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
it was like she wanted to be a once a week night stand
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know
For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex
He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?
nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment
You started a dance party so that you could steal their vodka and shouted "sailors out!"
Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.
That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.
In other news it turns out I like Heineken.. In a desert island kind of way
Do not tell guys at bars about kittens you rescue. They will walk away.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I'm sitting here drinking whisky and listening to The Wiggles, I don't need a social life
Randomize
