Don't forget I'm 20 now
I liked you more when you were 19
wow, so sex, not that great its like masturbating with a warm towelette, like the kind you get at a japanese restaurant
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.
If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.
He kept dropping hints about giving me crabs. Like he called my pubes a nest and said he "hoped there weren't any eggs in there."
You'll have to pretend I'm texting you with buddychecks.
Like the Jimeny Cricket of cockblocks.
This is going to be the time I got green body paint on Chris' ceiling all over again...
Returning my drunken purchases from last night. Not a single thing I bought was on sale.
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Literally this kid just told me he's not planning to live past 30. Then he hit himself with a frying pan.
whatever bro. i had ice cream and whiskey for breakfast and its noon. this is the second worst christmas ever.
Vodka, rum, moonshine, I don't care, just bring like 5gallons.
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
I ripped ass in on and around her face during a hard 69. I don't think she'll ever call me again.
Randomize
