I have a drunk 6th sense to lyrics of songs i dont know. It only works when i dance..
Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.
Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse
Idk. Im in a bed. the walls are wood. There's a deer mount.. im afraid to turn over and see who's next to me but he's violently cuddly.
WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I'm gonna face reality, tomorrow morning is not on my hungover agenda.
Fuck you asshole. You cost me cheerleader pussy.
Don't worry about me. I am infinite.
the last thing is remember is that strange guy in the leotard...i woke up in my bed, naked, with a half eaten grilled cheese on my nightstand, a six pack in the fridge, a new pack of cigarettes on my pillow and coke in my purse. apparently i bought some drugs, shopped and cooked. typical.
I just gave my boss a blowjob. underneath his desk at work. that promotion is mine!
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
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