I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
the cop then proceeds to point out the "proud parent of a dare graduate" bumper sticker and say well i guess it's time to take that off
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
You were on shrooms and "the trees are crazy green!" is all you could manage.
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
YOU DRINK NOW BECAUSE YOU ARE A STRONG INDEPENDENT WOMAN WHO DOESN'T NEED A DRINKING PARTNER
I know but at least you've never been asked to have sex dressed up like Catwoman
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
He ripped my sink off my bathroom wall and then threw up in it.
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
I can barely operate my hands; what makes you think I can operate my dick
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