She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.
I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.
i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking
My mail consisted of a box of dildos and christmas card from grandma.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
I think it's a scientific achievement that I can make jelly that is 95% vodka so suck it up.
no one ever believes me when I try explaining to them that your straight. I'm all like, "yeah that's his girlfriends dress he's stretching out"
I just spilled grey goose in my hair. You could say I keep it classy for the family Christmas parties.
he was definitely tindering while i gave him head
Ask him to BK for an ice cream cone and do him in the car. That counts as a date
I dunno that I'd be trusting enough of junkyard tequila to drink it.
I hope you know, that by sending me a cat meme back, you've entered in a cat picture battle; which never has an end in sight.
The duel has begun.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
Randomize
