There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you
threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition
We can't bring brittanys dog so we are getting high and getting in my bathtub I think it's pretty safe
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Dude. I'm super jealous I'm not there. Plus I look really pretty tonight, I'm wearing my long blue dress, I have long blonde hair, and I'm just sitting here hitting Larry the Long Bong. I'll pretend like your 3 spirits are floating in my smoke. Fuck.
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother
Just wanted to share my unfortunate vagina news in the hopes that it would make your vagina feel better about itself.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
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