My new storm is the chrons
The only reason I needed a new one is bc I threw up on my other one(248): And since Verizon doesn't have a throw up test, I was eligible for a new one
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora
Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...
Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.
Santa brought me a 1.75 of wine, and a liter of patron. I probably won't remember Christmas, so don't ask me how it was tomorrow.
Cover your phone. Photos of streaking frat guys incoming.
Champagne pong turned into an expensive and painful experience.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
I'm by myself. some Midwest chick is hitting on me because I gave her a deviled egg. I need the distraction.
Do you really want to know anything about the inner machinations of a furry's mind
I'm going to need to invest in some knee pads if I keep having nights like tonight
Hungover at Subway, watching a business guy try to squeeze his way past my car to get into his. Bitch shouldn'ta parked over the line.
You truly are a temple of morality.
I am the night, I am justice, I am currently watching the fat biz guy pay a frat boy to back his car up for him so he can get in.
Randomize
