Yeah and Nick is shooting his loaded 9mm in his backyard.
we had that weird still in bed morning after conversation. Her dad is the vp of my company.
It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
Ps what kind of horrible ppl are we that we both checked blackberries during sex and neither minded?
It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.
when I sang my humps to you I meant it.
So apparently the bar gave out free condoms, which I now have a pocket full of. Why is drunk me shoving the fact that I'm single and not getting laid in sober me's face...
I will forever be haunted by the image of you hurrying to finish your Jimmy Johns sandwich in the Taco Bell drive thru so you could proceed to order $17 dollars worth of shitty Mexican food.
Fun fact: drinking me now steals weaponry
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
Drunk me has cost me a lot in cell phones...
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
I'm currently on an epic search all over the city for a drug store that isn't sold out of Plan B. I celebrated your birthday from afar.
If I told the doordash driver it's national nudity day, think he'd still report me for being topless at the door?
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