Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon
I'm naked in the window of the hotel and I feel like I'm walking in slow motion like a robot
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I'm not gonna lie; I was dosed with mushrooms and am eating pickles with a guy in all white. It's weird, but I'm down. Help.
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea
It felt as if we were fucking on a sea of baby feet and morgan freemans face hair
I got hella high today and freaked out about life and interest rates
My Boss was giving porn recommendations. I think I'm scarred for life.
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
We all love a big dick, but you’re going to develop a reputation if you keep asking every guy at the bar ‘how big your dick’
That’s all I’m saying
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