Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?
No vaginas are yucky and I don't think you're old enough to handle one yet
i just walked into thanksgiving and three people in a row asked me who i was. really?
My parents showed me my IQ test from fourth grade, I'm shitting on my potential.
he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I am thinkingif I am doing snow Angels in your living room, I probably had too much to drink
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors
Fuck he won the bet
I'm making myself the patron saint of bisexuality
I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"
I'm really stressed out right now.
I think you're confusing "stressed" and "sober".
She stood up through my sunroof the entire drive home. screaming her ass off and singing free falling..
Randomize
