what happened last night??
everyone saw ******'s vagina
and that's just the beginning
he said i took off my shirt and wrote "help HATI" on my tits, and charged people to motorboat me..... i'd like to say i woke up with 267$ in my purse
dude, I'm listening to "I believe I can fly", i'm high, and driving. this is so amazing.
your philanthropy is ruining my sex life.
You yelled "sharpie war!" then jammed it in her ear
Im not moving so it's going to have to be a 3 some.
my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.
I used that money i stole from the stripper last night to pay for my date tonight.
And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.
If I get there and all he has for my big valentines surprise is his body, I'm dumping his ass and posting his dirty pictures on a porn site so people can laugh at him.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.
Guess who just bought an ounce of pot via Paypal, and paid for it with my airline Visa card to earn miles?
Congratulations. That business degree is finally worth every penny it cost you.
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just found my phone after looking for it since yesterday afternoon it was in the fridge.
Randomize
