my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
Let the record show that the first hour of my twenty-first was spent shooting tequila ans discussing the emotional integrity of werewolves.
He made me put my cow print vest and my cowboy hat from my ' sheriff woody' costume and said I'll show you a woody. What I charmer huh!? I love make up sex
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
I will feed you tacos. I will touch your butt. Happy Valentine's Day ❤️
We ended up shitfaced at the house after the Super Bowl trying to get someone from Scientology on the phone.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
Wow I really just sharted up in this Kroger
Just called to hear your voice and talk about pizza.
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