Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
He legit pounded my cooking wine, because he was to cheap to buy beer. He is so not getting any.
All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.
ALERT: Turns out when I'm drunk I turn into a clepto. I just found keys, a ketchup bottle, and sweatshirt in my backpack that don't belong to me. If yours, come collect from me. I'm still drunk in the back of biology lecture.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones
I did the mature thing and subtweeted that bitch. She follows me so she'll see.
He showed me his night stand drawer...it has one too many sex things in it.
Exactly how many...is TOO many?
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
Like woke up with a dick piercing kind of drunk.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
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