thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with
well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment
i feel like im playing gay clue. i have to figure out where i am, who took me home, and what he put in me
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
We ended up at a lesbian bar and all my co-workers tried to get me laid. This is not how I envisioned coming out.
Oh my god. That was the best half-hour of my life that didn't involve genitals.
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
OMG I COULD FUCK HIM FOR POT, THIS CHANGES THE WHOLE GAME.
I wish there was a tumbleweed emoji. Because that would describe my vagina.
You sat down in the middle of the road and started crying. We told you "Get your ass up or we're leaving you here." You replied "They'll findddd meeeeee" and ran after us.
Im getting out of handcuffs then i'll give you a call
Fursuit judi Dench just stared directly at me for 3 solid minutes telling me that cats arent dogs and i believe her because if i dont cat jason derulo might try to have sex with me
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