Don't make out with my wife yet
so the chest pain/shortness of breath/overdose guy we just took to tm hospital is now running down market street from the police in a gown holding his iv.
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
And I might have stolen a bag of Doritos out of Matt's car and hid them in my bag and gave individual chips out to people dancing, trying to convince people they were mini tacos.. Like why Am I allowed to be an adult
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Now everytime I sit on a toilet I think about having sex with him. Great.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
I puked in the back of my mom's new car because I had too much to drink at Chilis. I think I just hit rock bottom.
My sex life reached a new low tonight: we stopped into this bar so I could pee and when I got out of the bathroom my parents had ordered a round for us and this traveling nurse they met and were trying to run game for me. Saddest part? She was actually going for it.
Randomize
