She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up
My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.
you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes
Im eating these cheese filled pretzels. So good. Theres jizz dripping out places i didnt even know i had.
I'm laying here half naked telling him I'm eating gold fish to change the subject of hookin up cuz I don't wanna put pants on
In my defense, I haven't stolen anyone's clothes yet.
Yeah, that's a plus.
I could not handle jail. And my very angry parents.
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
Turns out he's actually a she. Might keep dating her just to see Mom's reaction.
Shit is getting real. I just adjusted my search radius for my dating profile to ANY FUCKING WHERE
so is it socially acceptable to send her an "i got my man back you whore" card?
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I'm glad you got documented proof of my stupidity with a head full of nitrous
Hahaha and I'm glad you are doing whip its at a childrens basketball game
Sorry. I was preoccupied thinking about penises
Randomize
