Every time we go downtown I ask myself why we live in Des Moines
Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
How did you make it to work sans hangover?
4 words: Clif Bar soaked in tequila. Just like albert pujols
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Yes. Amanda is the only option and I want cake so I can sacrifice my vagina.
No shame December is a go.
Found my ex-boyfriend's money stash. Call the girls, we are getting fucked up tonight, my treat.
It's Christmas, you should know what a virgin is.
So unless we're getting married, I can't see him cry AND have sex with him. It just doesn't work like that.
Is it a coincidence that the reminder on my phone to take my birth control is "I'm ready to party" from Bridesmaids?
I was so fucked up last night that I peed on his FATHER'S BED and fell asleep there. and yes. his father was asleep in the bed
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
I've lost every trace of self esteem. Even sneaking a BJ in the coffee room has lost it's luster.
Sometimes the most spiritual fucking thing to do is punch somebody in the face.
Randomize
