My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
I have got to stop singing on voicemails. I just left my dad a 6 minute musical message.
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I'm going to make "gut the love salmon" a common slang term for sex. Spread the word.
It was the night of "what the fuck have you done with my daughter and where is she" texts from mom...
Is it malicious or apart of the healing process if I wipe my ass with his toothbrush?
I woke up with a bloody knee, 6 burn marks on my thigh and glitter nails If anyone asks I'm going to say You came into town
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
if youre gonna throw up it might as well taste like christmas :S
I called him a "Beautiful Bastard" with "Beautiful Bastard Hair". That is how you pick up a guy from Denmark.
I was intimate with him for twenty minutes and will be intimate with shame for twenty years.
I tried sex in a car once. It was like trying to do yoga in a drainage pipe with your arms and legs tied while using a typewriter with your penis.
Quit bitching. I brought you a muffin.
Randomize
