It was like a spaceship landed and 1000s of hipsters filled up the park
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
you spent the night getting lap dances from a stripper with a c-section scar then ended up at a one room casino by the airport and you say you're too good to blaze and see pirahna 3d? bullshit
She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"
I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name
he was definitely TRYING to give me herpes.
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
Telling the family you're going for a run, getting dressed in workout clothes, and then walking halfway around the block and smoking a joint. This is my life
But I'm a half a mile from my bed. And I have the hiccups. I hate hiccups.
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I called you last night? What did I say??
That you love me forever and that I'm the greatest in the world now mohammed ali is dead...
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
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