There's a man in a pair of gray footie pajamas and a paper crown watching the kids at the playground. It was easier to tell who was a pedophile before Where the Wild Things Are came out.
How did your new apartment party go last night?
I'm really happy i have a bigger bathroom to puke in.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's only 4 pm and I'm already way past my preferred quota of "could have died" moments
its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
I'm so hungover that if we go to panera, I'll probably get a bread bowl to throw up in.
Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
Seriously, webMD this shit for me, I cant move and I dont wanna die until I have something worth fighting over in my will
Just remember that I named his dick Robo-cock before he got into the sheriff's department.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
Randomize