A homeless man in dtwn SF was blasting lil wayne and singing at the top of his lungs. I kinda wanted to give him my life savings
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
How many beers are too many "cause it's Archer Thursday" beers?
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
My boss walked in on me puking in the urinal while taking a piss. Sunday funday is eroding my last shred of credibility at work.
Post a pic on facebook and see if those same 46 girls find shitting in the bed handsome and adorable
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
No memories of receiving this. Or of getting home. Or of apparently developing a taste for marmalade, which I assume is yours because I have literally never eaten it before. It's all over the kitchen. And my phone. And in my hair. Oh god I wish I wasn't on the train to work. X And sorry about the kitchen x
Is the party worth it?
I am drink. Beer pony and singing.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
It gives me purpose in life to help fulfill nerdy fantasies. Like I'm doing something good for mankind and having multiple orgasms in the process.
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
