Dogs love guiness but it fucks up their kidneys
He's so far in the closet he's in Narnia
I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.
ya i looked horrible drunk and pregnant isn't a good combination
and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.
we've called him dos banos ever since he threw up in 2 separate bathrooms with the same puke
Really? And is this the kinda party we talked about earlier?
Yup. It's just me crying in a closet eating soup
Out of desperation, I used the leftover sauce from my goat masala as a mixer for vodka shots.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
It's the building I live in, they were lucky I was wearing clothes at all
I can't finger myself when I'm all distracted about whether or not your family is going to like me
Today is my 3 year wedding anniversary...and I've seen three different dicks.
In other news I think my vagina is sunburnt
If I got paid for every bad decision I've made I would be one rich bitch by now
You know it’s going to be a rough day when you scream “Get fucked” at your alarm clock
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