i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.
I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Tell me when you get here. I'm drinking beer in the bushes next to your house, and I put my hoodie up because I was cold. Pretty sure everyone lowkey thinks i'm homeless.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
I screamed so bad because I thought he was going for my sandwich forgetting it was in my hand
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
you said you heard a baby, so i told you to go feed it. you came back 2 hours later with a pizza and when i asked you where the baby went you pointed to the pizza and puked.
Nah, just stick him in a closet with some cheetos, a blunt and soda. The darkness will calm him down until Mallory can be located.
Randomize
