tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
my mother just offered to pay for my fake id.
this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH
budget cuts
YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS
budget cuts are serious business
id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
Fuck that, come home. Let's get drunk and judge people.
Just woke up with the taste of tequila, weed, and cigarettes in my mouth spooning a friend I haven't seen since college wearing one contact and one ankle sock. I hate myself.
Your boobs are like a folk legend.
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