Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.
i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.
your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.
He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.
Bring gay.
By that I meant the rum. I just realized that my request made no sense. You always bring gay.
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
i was on the fire escape while he ate me out for a while before i realized he had shut the door behind us and locked us out and i proceeded to climb down the stairs and climb back into the party through the window.
i can only hope to be on your level one day.
Keywords: shitstorm, police, jail.
Like who needs a job and family when you can get drunk for free with strippers?
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Randomize
