I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY
I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.
Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.
mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.
hahahaha slap the bag.
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Also his beard was very delicious looking. I wanted to touch it so bad, but I held back.
Two run-ins with cops/park rangers tonight and now I'm just wandering around high and shirtless
Sacramento doesn't deserve you
Who knew wearing a toga outside would provide for and infinite amount of dick to choose fron
My wife managed to convince me to not drink everclear by threatening to ban me from her vagina
He and I are in a competition of who can sleep with the most people at work. We're tied at two. I could win this if they'd stop hiring damn straight girls.
I offered the opportunity to grope my boobs for pints. Two girls took me up.
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
Awesome. I did a rain go away dance. And it went away. Nbd just cotrollin the weather with my mind and sweet dance moves
I'm gonna be late for work because i decided to masturbate and forgot to put my clothes in the dryer
Randomize
