He had one of those small greek statue penises
Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...
FUCK YOU.
just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.
My reasons for going are selfish. She just opened her own law firm. I figure having a lawyer as a friend is a good idea. Nothing in my life suggests I won't need a lawyer again.
And tell the hostess not to worry, she's narcoleptic and fell asleep on the way to the bar, but she'll be fine in a few minutes.
We were destined to go to rehab together
why is there a chinchilla in our apartment, and where did it come from?
question nothing. DON'T QUESTION A FREE CHINCHILLA.
I also farted in bed this morning and said, "I don't even care. My body deserves that."
what is considered shitting yourself?
Like my underwear wasn't soiled, but there was definitely a departure from my asshole.
I gave your mom a discount on her coffee, its my way to say thanks for having a son that makes me come every time
I woke up to pee last night, got out of bed and proceeded to stand there because I had no idea where I was. Then, I heard my sexy as fuck personal trainers voice. Well-played blacked out me.
And I mentioned the burning debate about your circumcision in my Christmas card to your mom.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
